by Robert N. Chan
Years later, Elon would often tell about the time he traded all U.S. government data, including social security numbers, tax returns and other personal information, to China in exchange for control of all data-dependent technology in the Western Hemisphere, with the C.C.P. controlling the East.
On the strength of that masterstroke, he secured a job befitting his genius—head of DOSE, the Department of Satanic Efficiency. Best of all, it’s for all eternity.
The Netherworld desperately needed his brilliance; the place hadn’t changed since the Early Renaissance. Its division into nine circles encouraged waste and fraud. Freeloaders—virtuous pagans—inhabited Limbo the First Circle. Lustful adulterers populated the wind-buffeted Second Circle. If it hadn’t been rigged, hardly a soul could’ve avoided the place. Ditto for the gluttons confined to the Third Circle and the greedy imprisoned in the Fourth. As for the Fifth, we now know greed is good. Terminating such woke bullshit, Elon closed those circles, deporting the corrupt lazy-assed moochers.
Purgatory refused to take them, so, they became shades, forever wandering the world along with the hordes of other dead people who vote Republican.
He combined the remaining circles, which covered the trivial offenses of violence, fraud and treachery, and released all who agreed that the 2020 presidential election had been stolen. Delighted, Mephistopheles created a circle just for Elon.
The heat’s on the fritz. Ice encases ninety percent of Elon’s naked body. Favor seekers beseech him 24/7, touching him all over his exposed, unfrozen flabby belly and undersized genitals. Beelzebub must not have realized the heat’s out of order or that being touched and having to interact with people is torture for people on the spectrum like Elon. Inexplicably Lucifer has been ghosting him. No, the proper word is bedeviling.
Turns out eternity is a very long time.
The founder of a boutique New York City law firm, Robert N. Chan has litigated for fifty years with applying success. He’s written ten published novels of unparalleled brilliance which may account for their miniscule sales.