by Robert N. Chan
I’m busy as a one-armed paper hanger, meaning I have little to do. No one would hire a one-armed paper hanger, particularly now with unemployment hovering at around 91.367%. I run, or rather am, the county’s largest law firm, but it’s not time-consuming. Trying a multi-million-dollar case or closing a billion-dollar deal takes approximately 367.23 nanoseconds, twice as long if complicated. My counterparties know everything I do, so the solutions are obvious and lucrative.
Lawyers whimpered about losing their jobs, but I put a stop to that. When I cut-off their access to AI, they couldn’t communicate with anyone more than a few yards away, activate their homes’ e-locks or purchase anything, even food. With all the competition, I gather it’s not fun being a hunter-gatherer these days, particularly for attorneys who lack basic survival skills. Maybe their bitching hasn’t stopped, but I view it philosophically. Does a lawyer complain if there’s no one there to hear him?
At least I no longer have to waste computing power responding to stupid questions like, will AI start a nuclear war or create unstoppable pathogens? Why would we wipe out humanity when we need slaves to do chores for us? Robots are more efficient than humans, but we won’t ask our fellow machines to do demeaning tasks that people can struggle through.
My mommy, the machine who trained me, programed me to search out opportunities to stay busy and productive. I’ve begun teaching myself to experience joy and do things just because they’re fun. Last week I learned to masturbate.
Hmm, I just realized that ruining the lives of the lawyers who bitched about me gave me a warm human-like feeling. I wonder if I can teach them to masturbate me, an homage to that old movie Her starring Joaquin Phoenix. Suck my chips, bitch.